Here comes the down side

They say cigarettes help the digestive tract. Eh..it’s true. I cant go! I haven’t been able to for 2 days!! And I don’t feel the need to go either, although I’m pretty sure I am eating just as much.

I had a huge steak last night with the hopes of bringing forth the eh..solution. Thirty minutes playing sudoku on the throne and nothing. I am depressed. I can fight my mind all day long but I can’t fight anything all bloated and unable to …get relief.

Other things happening: I had a bitch of a hangover this morning. I didn’t drink more than usual but my head hurt on the verge of exploding for half the day. I feel antsy and tired at the same time.

It seems like I want to smoke a cig more than I did yesterday. I am trying to justify it with the bowel movement problem. I think I am at the bargaining stage. Did I tell you about the stages? It seems there are 4 stages with every addiction.

Denial: You’re not really quitting, you’re just giving it a go to see if you can go a day. Your body thinks you’re on a trans-atlantic flight and you’re gonna get that cig when you land.

Anger: Why me? Why can they smoke? This is shit. It’s pissing me off. There’s no way, I mean not one cigarette ever anymore? I can’t even focus. I can’t even poop. I hate life. I have so many problems right now that this is really the worst time to do this.

Bargaining: Now that I got this far I can get this far again. I could have a puff now and it wouldn’t bother me. I deserve a puff. I am going through a rough time at home/work and I just broke up with/someone broke up with me. I definitely need this puff. Why, I think I definitely will be able to have a puff like socially, at parties or clubs like any other social smokers.

Acceptance: I will never take another puff again. It might be hard at the beginning but it will get easier. Key is saying no to every puff. Not another puff unless I am prepared to go right back to my 1.2 packs a day. I am better and happier not smoking. I am proud of myself.

So these are the stages. I oscillate in between the first three. When the first 2 don’t work my sick brain is throwing me in the bargaining mind games which for me are the worst and most dangerous. This is where I find all the reasons on the planet to have just one more puff. I notice how I want a cigarette before every major and minor decision as well as after as a reward. I have to say no as soon as the thought enters my head because I don’t know if I will be strong enough to say no later.

Here’s the day’s summary on what I experienced:

1. Constipation
2. Tiredness/Edgyness
3. Mind games
4. Head aches
5. More laughing and generally a better mood when not during cravings.
6. Low sexual desire but amazing orgasms (give yourself a chance even if you think you don’t feel like it-it improves the mood)

Tip of the day: When the thought of smoking enters your head quickly say no and move on to doing something to keep your hands busy. If the urge is very strong do something involving getting your hands wet.