“If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, then what am I? And if not now, when?”

Thats what some [insert inappropriate religious reference] wise guy said to ..well I don’t remember who he said it to. Anyway, so says some blog I ran into this morning. The blog was about women’s life in Saudi Arabia. I didn’t know they had a life. Anyway, I am straying from the topic. I like this saying because it hits dead on. Because I want to believe it makes me stronger. Because I’m a pussy.

In case you were wondering why I am fragmenting along this post you should already know: I quit. TADAHHH. No one gave me a cookie or a pat on the back, and no one really seems to be cutting me any slack (keyword being seems). I was fine for the first few hours. From 6am to 8am to be exact. It’s 9:23 now and I am miserable. On and off..it comes in waves like you know what else.

While getting in the car this morning my eyes fell on 3 women talking in front of the bank. Two were smoking and were relaxed. The third was hyper and red in the cheeks. I noticed the cigarettes. When are they going to quit? They have to quit sometime…

Then the Patrick Swayze thing. Pancreatic cancer. You know what increases your risks for pancreatic cancer by 75%? Cigarettes do, and even after you quit for 10 years you will still be at risk.

This is hearsay so don’t bank on it.

In my “very informed” medical opinion and due to my extensive medical experience I would have to guess that’s a thing you need. The pancreas. I don’t think there’s two of them. I don’t think a bone marrow transplant will help. I think even doctor House would say fuckit-no mistery here.

Where was I? Right I quit. For all you people interested in a accurate personal account of that dreaded day 1 lemme summarize in a sort of elongated way:

1. I am confused and am drifting in and out of a state of mind clarity..mostly out of it. I have periods of feeling high and sleepy followed by high and laughing followed by angry and confused.
2. I am hungry. I am usually hungry often (fast metabolism) so that doesn’t mean much. I am controlling myself in the food department. Why? I really do not want to put on 10 pounds and have to actually do physical work at awkward times like let’s say mornings.
3. I don’t want to put something in my mouth. Ok, sounds twisted and I’m sure there’s a better way to say it. I don’t have a mouth fixation.
4. I have a craving once every hour (which is the frequency I expected).
5. I am laughing more. Mostly at my funny business partner who has also quit today. Interacting with him feels like I’m scuba diving. That’s as descriptive as I can get. Ask me in a few days what the hell that means.
6. Soma FM Space Station is calming my nerves.

Tip of the day: The night before quitting don’t just throw away your cigs. Before throwing them break them right next to the filter. The next day you will not be tempted to dig through the trash. I wouldn’t put it past you because I wouldn’t put it past me.